Tag Archives: crossfit

“Forgot Namaste”- A Yoga-Themed Parody of “Forgot About Dre”

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(Mad props to my friend Sandy Kalik, the Snoop to my Dre, who was my co-writer on this)

Y’all know me
Still the same yogi
But I been O.D.-in’
Bestin’ most of these other yogis
Who can’t do no crows, no planks, no bows
No wheels, no trees, no boats
No handstands and no sun B’s

Mad at me cause I can finally afford to provide my booty with some Lulu luxury.
Got a spot in the front and I’m already in plank
10 minutes in, my form will tank
Chaturanga with my shoulders sank and my low back tweaked

Y’all think I’m gonna let my flow go meek?
Ho, please! You better do plow on both knees, who you think taught you to do tree?
Who you think brought you the O.G’s, the up D’s, Warriors
Half-lotus trees and downward D-O-double-G’s
And a flow that said “motherfuck the sun C’s”

Give me a class full of core, please
To bump when I wanna hit the beach
And when my flexibility ain’t givin’ me reach
Who’s that teacher that makes me drop my knees?

Y’all better listen up closely
All you yogis that said I turned lame
It’s a damn shame
Y’all are the reason “namaste” ain’t gettin’ enough play
So fuck y’all, all y’all
If y’all don’t like me, outflow me
Y’all gonna keep fuckin’ around with me, turn me back to a basic yogi

Nowadays all these yogis wanna flow
Like they got somethin’ to prove
But nothin’ comes up they open their hips
Just a bunch of tightness
And muthafuckas act like they forgot “Namaste”

So now what do you say to a teacher you hate
Tryin’ to bring gentle poses your way
Wanna resolve things in a more intense way
Just study your Power Yoga DVD
One day I was practicin’, gettin’ my handstand on
When I caught a bitch givin’ me a jealous eye
And I laughed at her lame attempt to try
She went three inches high
I don’t give a fuck if I strain my wrist
I’m harder than me tryna scorpion
When I’m hot as fuck
Right next to a humongous dude in a downward dog
Stressin’ out with his tight hamstrings
Tryin’ to loosen up
Fuck you man, go to the back row
I’mma kill you and your loud-ass muthafuckin’ grunts and moans
Just take a child’s pose
And get your ass to a level one class
With a big stack of blocks and a pile of blankets
You can go easy
While the rest of us take Vinyasa 3
Which is just for the superstar yogis
Who are still loco enough to chinstand after every plank pose

My guru, hotter then a pair of new Lulus
In a slim size 4 with the cute hiney
When the temp goes up to the mid-90’s
60 percent humid, teach, yo that shit crazy
There’s no way you can breathe ujaiyi,
It’s okay, leave the room, go pee.

Nowadays all these yogis wanna flow
Like they got somethin’ to prove
But nothin’ comes up they open their hips
Just a bunch of tightness
And muthafuckas act like they forgot “Namaste”

If it was up to me, you motherfuckers would stop drippin’ sweat on me
With your hands out and your core weak in warrior 3
When your lower back gave out, you went and blamed the teach
But now that I got this real strong belly
Everybody wanna watch my pose so they can copy
But you won’t do a plank like me
Cause I’m from the school of Crossfit
I told y’all, all y’all lame ass yogis
How you think I got so swole
Now you wanna warrior 2 showin’ off your guns, but you ain’t got none
What you think I been practicin’ to stay so buff?
And all I get is haters who say Crossfit’s too tough
What? Cause I been in the gym with a torn hamstring
Cause I just can’t get enough?
I ain’t stoppin’ this til I pull my groin or strain my wrist
Gettin’ injured makes me so fuckin’ pissed
So give me one more set of reps, and fuck rest
I wanna be the best
So where the Crossfit yogis at?
It’s like a sauna in this habitat
But all y’all on your mats
Know that I can do drop backs
Unlike all you other phony-ass hacks

Nowadays all these yogis wanna flow
Like they got somethin’ to prove
But nothin’ comes up they open their hips
Just a bunch of tightness
And muthafuckas act like they forgot “Namaste”

The Amazing Vegan Crossfit Commander

One upping people in the health and fitness departments since, like, his first Instagram post 32 weeks ago.

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Are you a lazy ass couch potato in dire need of being rescued from your lifestyle of sloth and gluttony? Does your diet include more steak and ale than quinoa and kale? Have you ever seen a ripped guy at the gym do a set of handstand pushups and thought, “whoa, that’s pretty fuckin’ sick, bro. I wish I could do that shit”? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, have no fear because The Amazing Vegan Crossfit Commander is here! He’ll tell you exactly what type of kale to put in your $600 high speed Vitamix blender in order to create the best organic, dairy free green smoothie that will give you maximum plant based power for some seriously badass lifting. Tired of your boring old workout routines? No problem, bruh, the VCC’s got tons of killer #WorkoutsOfTheDay that are sure to get you swole in no time, and he’s got them all mapped out for you on every social media platform known to man. Be sure to follow him on Tumblr for some sweet inspirational quotes, Instagram for some sick gym selfies and vegan food porn, and Spotify for some way amped up hardcore playlists that will totally get you right into #Beastmode. His constant stream of super positive posts and pics are totally inspiring the world to become fitter, healthier, and way more compassionate to all living beings, and you know you wanna join him in his mission. You might be able to only bench like 120 right now, but if you take his endless advice and drink from the well of his impressive 6 months of Crossfit membership and veganism, you’ll make some seriously killer gains while also being way kinder to your body and to animals (yeah, even to bees, cause remember: honey is a total vegan “don’t”). Someday you might even be able to bench 280 like him. So put that on your instagram page and hashtag it. And be sure to filter the shit out of it on X Pro-II, bruh, cause it’ll give your biceps mad definition…

*Written as part of a humor writing unit for the writing class I’m taking. Our assignment was to create and describe a superhero using sarcastic/ironic humor.