Tag Archives: fake news

Prius Owner Purchases 23rd Bumper Sticker

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-Somerville, MA

As soon as 38-year-old farmer’s market enthusiast Becky Newman laid eyes upon a clever kale-themed bumper sticker for sale at her favorite booth, she knew she had to purchase it. She simply couldn’t resist the sticker’s playful pun, “Oh, Kale Yeah!” and the clever way in which the letters were formed with kale leaves. But upon leaving the booth and heading back to the parking lot to pack the trunk of her 2007 Prius with the 5 bags of organic produce she had just purchased, she began to experience a bit of buyer’s remorse. “Well, I already have bumper stickers that say: ‘Eat More Kale’ and ‘Under The Influence of Kale,” but this one was just too punny to pass up (get it?) And besides, if there are two things you can never have enough of, it’s leafy greens and cute bumper stickers, right?” she said with a wink.

Then, as Newman began to search for an empty spot on the tail end of her hybrid hatchback to strategically place the sticker, she started to think that maybe you can indeed have enough bumper stickers. And at whopping total of 22, she had way more than enough. “I remember it all started with an Obama ’08 sticker, right on the lower left corner of the bumper, then an NPR one on the other side to balance it out, and I guess I kinda went a little crazy after that. Oh, well,” she said with a giggle.

Her colorful display of stickers ranges from the spiritual, “Coexist” and “Namaste,” to the feminist, “In Goddess We Trust,” to the occasional piece of cutesy humor, “Don’t Like My Cattitude? Call 1-800-Get-A-Dog.” And since finally giving up dairy products and eggs 6 months ago after many failed attempts, Newman has started to build upon the newest subsection of her sticker collection: veganism. “Yeah, I guess people already get the point that I’m a vegan and an animal rights advocate when they see my other kale stickers and my personal favorite that says ‘Eat Your Veggies, Not Your Friends,” but seriously, how badass would my little Prius look if it said ‘Oh, Kale Yeah!’?” Newman asked. “So to answer your question, am I really gonna put this bumper sticker on my car? Oh, kale yeah, I am!” she snickered, as she proceeded to stuff a handful of raw goji berries in her mouth.

After arriving home and stocking the fridge in her studio apartment with enough organic fruits and veggies to feed a family of five for two weeks, Newman was spotted trying to peel off her “Obama ’08” sticker. “I did seriously consider just slapping the new one somewhere near the gas tank, but I didn’t want to become one of those people who covers their entire car with stickers,” she said. “So to compromise, I decided that the old Obama one can go. I mean, I do have an Obama 2012, and I got a Hilary 2016 one as soon as they were released. So, out with the old, in with the new, I guess!”

Area Man Haunted By Image Of Ugly Baby

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As 26-year-old Seth Martin idly scrolled through his Facebook newsfeed during a moment of procrastination at work last Friday, he saw something frightening enough to elicit a gasp that could be heard throughout the surrounding cubicles. It wasn’t a hideous selfie or an especially scandalous piece of news, but rather a picture of what Martin was sure was hands down the ugliest baby he had ever laid eyes on. And it wasn’t just any random child from one of his 1,157 “friends”, it was his cousin Stacy’s firstborn son, Kiefer. “Picture the scariest looking cast member of American Horror Story: Freakshow, put their face on a baby’s body, and you kind of get the idea,” he replied when asked to describe his new first cousin, once-removed.

The young medical records assistant expressed great dismay for his decision to even open up Facebook, “I mean, I hadn’t gone on in weeks or posted anything since, like Christmas. I was thinking of just deleting the damn thing cause all I ever see these days are complaints about the weather, stupid memes and political rants from people I hated in high school. And I can kind of stomach those things, but this…this is a whole new level of vomit-inducing.”

To make matters worse, Martin accidentally clicked “like” below the photo, blaming it on a moment of absent-mindedness. “I don’t know, I was just distracted or something. Or I did it out of habit. I didn’t really mean to “like” it,” he said. And perhaps out of familial obligation or guilt for not having congratulated his cousin earlier on this momentous event in her life, he then proceeded to comment on the photo, writing something about how “adorable” little Kiefer is and how he “can’t wait to meet him.” “Those things couldn’t be further from the truth. Good thing Stacy lives on the opposite coast and my mom and aunt don’t really get along. I hope to God I never have to lay eyes on that hideous thing. I don’t know how I’d react,” Martin said, shaking his head.

The last time Martin recalls seeing Stacy was at their grandfather’s funeral, six years ago, when they were both sophomores in college. Because they were never close as children and hadn’t really spoken since a rather disastrous family reunion in 2004, they exchanged condolences and a few awkward words, and that was the extent of their interaction. “I’m pretty sure the next time I see her will probably be when Grandma dies, which I’m sure won’t be for a while, and by that point, maybe Kiefer will have outgrown his ugliness?” he said with just a touch of skepticism.

Until then, Martin has decided to deactivate his Facebook page; he has decided to stick with Twitter as his singular social media platform because he knows none of his family members have accounts, at least for now. “Dealing with annoying comments from my mom and getting millions of invitations to events I never want to go to was one thing, but dealing with the possibility of ugly babies haunting my dreams is where I draw the line,” Martin said as he live tweeted a co-worker’s comical struggle with the copy machine.