Tag Archives: gentrification

Gentrifiers of the World…Unite and Take Over

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After receiving our respective master’s degrees in Holistic Psychology and Viticulture & Enology from Stanford University, my common-law wife Sage and I are looking to purchase our first luxury condo in an up-and-coming, revitalized urban neighborhood. So we crafted this carefully curated list of essential features to seek out in order to locate our dream locale.

1.) A Whole Foods with a wine shop; an organic, fair-trade, French press-only cafe; a sushi bar; a kale bar and, most importantly a juice bar within easy walking distance (But we’ll probably just drive there anyway. Who wants to schlep all those groceries the whole 0.2 miles home?)

2.) The condo must be in a converted historic building that’s also as “green”/eco-friendly as possible, because we’re looking to reduce our carbon footprint

3.) Easy access to the city’s bike share program as well as public transportation (see #2)

4.) 2 off-street parking spots large enough for our full-sized luxury SUVs

5.) The following types of fitness studios must be within a one mile radius of our condo:

*yoga

*pilates/TRX hybrid workouts

*yogalates (mommy and me yogalates classes would be a bonus)

*“Spin-sanity” Indoor Cycling/Extreme Interval Fitness

*Hot cardio barre bootcamp

*X-treme Crossfit

6.) A Main Street with at least six of the following businesses:

* an artisan cheese, olive, pickle, and himalayan crystal salts shop

* an organic/vegan/gluten free/non-GMO/paleo bakery

* a vegan, naturally-sweetened, make-your-own fro-yo bar

* a farm-to-table small plates French Fusion bistro whose dishes include nothing but meat, dairy and gluten

* a doggy and kitty massage and acupuncture parlor

* a massage/acunpuncture wellness center for people that specializes in baby massage, crystal therapy and shamanic healing

* a vintage-style barber shop that’s just for mustache grooming and waxing

* a fair trade-only cafe that roasts its own beans, specializes in vegan savory pastries and also sells a carefully curated selection of vinyl, vintage clothing items and locally handcrafted soaps

* a brew-your-own craft beer bar that hosts weekly local folk music performances, paint nights, poetry readings and literary salons

7.) A Target, Home Depot, Costco, and several other big box stores located just one town over because we need them for convenience’s sake, but we certainly don’t want them in OUR backyard

8.) A breast milk bank for those times that we’re just too busy or lazy to pump or actually feed our twins, Wyatt and Beckett

9.) A bilingual French-English co-op preschool for them to attend before we move to a suburb that has one of the top 3 school systems in the state

10.) A greenway with running trails, biking trails, and a state-of-the-art dog park that hosts several doggy play groups. Namely, one that’s exclusively for toy group purebreds like our precious little Maltese, Bentley. We really don’t want him associating with lesser breeds or (G-d forbid) mutts.