Tag Archives: sarcasm

Gentrifiers of the World…Unite and Take Over

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After receiving our respective master’s degrees in Holistic Psychology and Viticulture & Enology from Stanford University, my common-law wife Sage and I are looking to purchase our first luxury condo in an up-and-coming, revitalized urban neighborhood. So we crafted this carefully curated list of essential features to seek out in order to locate our dream locale.

1.) A Whole Foods with a wine shop; an organic, fair-trade, French press-only cafe; a sushi bar; a kale bar and, most importantly a juice bar within easy walking distance (But we’ll probably just drive there anyway. Who wants to schlep all those groceries the whole 0.2 miles home?)

2.) The condo must be in a converted historic building that’s also as “green”/eco-friendly as possible, because we’re looking to reduce our carbon footprint

3.) Easy access to the city’s bike share program as well as public transportation (see #2)

4.) 2 off-street parking spots large enough for our full-sized luxury SUVs

5.) The following types of fitness studios must be within a one mile radius of our condo:

*yoga

*pilates/TRX hybrid workouts

*yogalates (mommy and me yogalates classes would be a bonus)

*“Spin-sanity” Indoor Cycling/Extreme Interval Fitness

*Hot cardio barre bootcamp

*X-treme Crossfit

6.) A Main Street with at least six of the following businesses:

* an artisan cheese, olive, pickle, and himalayan crystal salts shop

* an organic/vegan/gluten free/non-GMO/paleo bakery

* a vegan, naturally-sweetened, make-your-own fro-yo bar

* a farm-to-table small plates French Fusion bistro whose dishes include nothing but meat, dairy and gluten

* a doggy and kitty massage and acupuncture parlor

* a massage/acunpuncture wellness center for people that specializes in baby massage, crystal therapy and shamanic healing

* a vintage-style barber shop that’s just for mustache grooming and waxing

* a fair trade-only cafe that roasts its own beans, specializes in vegan savory pastries and also sells a carefully curated selection of vinyl, vintage clothing items and locally handcrafted soaps

* a brew-your-own craft beer bar that hosts weekly local folk music performances, paint nights, poetry readings and literary salons

7.) A Target, Home Depot, Costco, and several other big box stores located just one town over because we need them for convenience’s sake, but we certainly don’t want them in OUR backyard

8.) A breast milk bank for those times that we’re just too busy or lazy to pump or actually feed our twins, Wyatt and Beckett

9.) A bilingual French-English co-op preschool for them to attend before we move to a suburb that has one of the top 3 school systems in the state

10.) A greenway with running trails, biking trails, and a state-of-the-art dog park that hosts several doggy play groups. Namely, one that’s exclusively for toy group purebreds like our precious little Maltese, Bentley. We really don’t want him associating with lesser breeds or (G-d forbid) mutts.

Fake Yoga Teacher Bios

I’m currently in the process of rewriting my bio, and I thought it would be funny to create some outlandish, fictional yoga teacher bios, based in part on what I’ve actually seen out there.

Jessica “Shakti” Steinberg

After dabbling for several months in transcendental tantric dance, neo-astrological shamanism, and hypno-waterbirth midwifery, Jessica finally discovered her true calling was sharing the sacred, transformative powers of vinyasa yoga (and subsequently, she legally changed her name to Shakti). She stumbled into a local studio as a college freshman to see if she could hang up a flyer for her animal rights club’s potluck vegan dinner on their community board, decided to stay for the lunch break power hour, and it was love at first down dog.

Two years and twelve teacher trainings later, she has developed and branded her own unique style of vinyasa called Rhythmic Soulful Spirit Flow, and she teaches ten classes a week in various makeshift practice spaces that she rents out of vegan restaurants, organic co-ops and new age bookstores. Shakti is eternally grateful for her daily five minute vipassana mediation, holotropic breathwork, and power yoga practice that she packs in somewhere between her full course load as a holistic psychology major, her part time job in the cheese department at Whole Foods (She just sells the cheese, you guys. She’s still a vegan!!), and her full schedule of yoga classes, as it allows her to maintain the serenity, bliss, and groundedness that’s so essential to spreading the many joys of this amazing practice to as wide an audience as possible.

Shakti has taught all yogis of all ages- from baby-and-me classes to grandma-and-me partner yoga workshops. She truly believes her fast-paced, high energy, dynamically challenging style of vinyasa yoga is accessible and adaptable for everyone.

She plans on traveling the world after she graduates college, recreating a vegan version of “Eat, Pray, Love” (okay, maybe she’ll SPLURGE and eat a dessert with honey. Sssh! Don’t tell 😉 ) which will include spending several months with her three gurus in various ashrams around India. And she hopes to share the many pearls of wisdom and insights gained from this journey with all you lovely yogis upon her return.

Om Shanti. May all beings be peaceful, happy, and free. And may we all be one with the universe and live in eternal abundance (for as long as we can afford our daily trips to Whole Foods)!

Jenna J. Johnson

Having been a competitive person throughout most of her high school and college years, especially during her tenure as captain of the Crew team at Harvard University (’06-’09), Jenna always tended to view yoga with a somewhat skeptical outlook. But when a fellow team member twisted her arm and dragged her to her first yoga class- a three hour “Ignite Your Inner Core Fire” workshop, taught in a blistering 100 degree room- she was hooked, right from the opening 5 minute forearm plank hold.

After emerging from the workshop, still dripping with sweat as well as with an otherworldly, euphoric bliss, Jenna immediately signed up for the studio’s accelerated 500-hour teacher training program. Within months she quit her job, began teaching full time, and has never looked back. She fell so deeply in love with the practice and the renewed sense of empowerment it gave her that she realized her true calling was to be a “yogtrepeneur,” a title she cleverly coined to describe her unique career as yoga teacher, life coach, nutrition consultant, brand ambassador, and owner of a successful chain of yoga studio/wellness spa/juice bars. (Special thanks to my father for funding all these projects. Where would I be without you, Daddy?)

An avid runner and cyclist, as well as a dedicated yogi, Jenna credits her daily three hour practice of sprinting meditations and hybrid spin/crossfit/yoga classes with keeping her sane, stress-free (and humble!) as she juggles the multiple balls that come with her multifaceted, fast-paced career. She prides herself on fostering a calm, supportive, noncompetitive environment in her classes, which will challenge you like no other. You’ll laugh, you’ll sweat, you’ll be inspired to achieve the seemingly impossible (case in point: we’re working on a new pose called eyelash stand this month- come try it!). And most importantly, you’ll cry. The Buddha might have said that suffering is optional, but didn’t someone great also say “No pain, no gain?” Jenna’s philosophy of the practice definitely leans toward the latter, but she embraces and welcomes all who can shell out the $29/class to her illustrious chain of studios, Inner Core Fire Power Yoga (www.icfpyoga.com)

In addition to being a five time Lululemon ambassador and a two time winner of New York Fitness and Wellness Magazine’s Best Yoga Instructor of NYC Award, Jenna’s other accomplishments include running the NYC marathon for the past eight years, and graduating in the top 10 percent of her MBA program at Columbia University. Always hungry for new challenges, she has most recently begun training for the 2016 Crossfit Games and an all new Ironman Triathlon that will take place in Siberia next winter.

Logan Lovejoy


“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

Logan builds his powerful, transformative classes from the very essence of this idea, and the wisdom he channels through his words will entice you to discover your own inherent spirituality within. His precise instruction is steeped in an ancient tradition that’s rooted in equal parts anatomical alignment and his own cutting-edge Divine Chakra PhilosophyTM which he is currently developing into both a lecture series and a 1,008 page book (a number that, while it may appear random, has quite a lineage of sacred meaning attached to it).

Logan is self-trained and taught himself everything he knows, as he firmly believes that “You are your own Guru.” And he is eager to show you how you, too, can become yours (under his careful guidance, of course).

As his student, you will experience a powerful rebirthing that comes from of the pure poetry of his words as he guides you through his masterful sequences of postures, allowing you to emerge from the chrysalis that is your yoga mat so that you can spread your wings and expand beyond any preconceived ideas of who you once were to take flight into the glorious new life that awaits you outside the walls of this studio.

So come, take class! Be transformed! Discover your pure potential! Live Long and Prosper! And be sure to pre-order Logan’s self-published life-changing new book, Reconnecting To Your Essence: A Sacred Journey Through Your Chakras.

The Whole Foods Episode (A Parody Song)

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The Whole Foods Episode
(to the tune of “The Next Episode” from Dr. Dre’s The Chronic 2001)

La da da da dah
Is this muthafuckin’ gluten free?
La da da da dah
You know I’m loadin’ up on K.A.L.E.
You know who’s back up in this muthafucka!?
What what what what?
So buy those greens up!
Whole Foods, spend it all, vegan buy that shit up
Chia seed, flax seed, my vegan turn that shit up
Non-GMO, cage-free, yeah we cookin’ back up
And when we put ‘em in our carts, our wallets gonna give up
Thug foodies, locavores, yeah they givin’ it up
Highlife, high price, boy we livin’ it up
Takin’ chances while we shoppin’ in this aisle fo’ sho’
Seein’ dairy everywhere and to that I say ‘NO’

Cashier lookin’ at me strange but you know I don’t care
As I’m loading this conveyor belt with 6 dozen pears
Bitch quit talkin’, ring me up, yo, I brought my own bags
Take my Platinum Visa card, and no I don’t mean to brag
I’m in a rush! Hurry, ho! Sorry if I sound crass
And if my fruit gets crushed, Bitch! Watch yo’ ass!
$205.55, that’s the money I spent
And all y’all who buy cheap junk food can go get bent

La da da da dah
It’s this muthafuckin’ gluten free?
La da da da dah
You know I’m shoppin’ for that K.A.L.E.
You bet yo’ ass that shit be pesticide-free
King of the greens you put em in your smoothie
Or in your stir fry, rollin’ on woks
Organic oil, cause you best walk your talk
Shiitake mushrooms and a bed of quinoa
With juice on the side, sippin’ wheat grass
See, vegan life really ain’t that hard
Compost, big heap, in the yard

Whole Foods out to the fruit aisle
It’s all organic love, my all organic buds, we a gang of vegan thugs
We on one, we bail up in our cruelty-free club
Our hemp jeans on, and our team strong
Get our green drink on, and our fake meat on
Then go home with, somethin’ to choke on
Yo it’s on for the next Whole Foods show
Comin’ real, we got money to blow

Hold up, hey
For my vegans who be thinkin’ bout cheese
We don’t, play
We keep livin’ dairy free with ease
Hold up, hey
For my vegans who be actin’ too proud
Take a stand
So get ready, bitch, you best say it loud
Hey…..
Eat kale every day

The Amazing Vegan Crossfit Commander

One upping people in the health and fitness departments since, like, his first Instagram post 32 weeks ago.

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Are you a lazy ass couch potato in dire need of being rescued from your lifestyle of sloth and gluttony? Does your diet include more steak and ale than quinoa and kale? Have you ever seen a ripped guy at the gym do a set of handstand pushups and thought, “whoa, that’s pretty fuckin’ sick, bro. I wish I could do that shit”? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, have no fear because The Amazing Vegan Crossfit Commander is here! He’ll tell you exactly what type of kale to put in your $600 high speed Vitamix blender in order to create the best organic, dairy free green smoothie that will give you maximum plant based power for some seriously badass lifting. Tired of your boring old workout routines? No problem, bruh, the VCC’s got tons of killer #WorkoutsOfTheDay that are sure to get you swole in no time, and he’s got them all mapped out for you on every social media platform known to man. Be sure to follow him on Tumblr for some sweet inspirational quotes, Instagram for some sick gym selfies and vegan food porn, and Spotify for some way amped up hardcore playlists that will totally get you right into #Beastmode. His constant stream of super positive posts and pics are totally inspiring the world to become fitter, healthier, and way more compassionate to all living beings, and you know you wanna join him in his mission. You might be able to only bench like 120 right now, but if you take his endless advice and drink from the well of his impressive 6 months of Crossfit membership and veganism, you’ll make some seriously killer gains while also being way kinder to your body and to animals (yeah, even to bees, cause remember: honey is a total vegan “don’t”). Someday you might even be able to bench 280 like him. So put that on your instagram page and hashtag it. And be sure to filter the shit out of it on X Pro-II, bruh, cause it’ll give your biceps mad definition…

*Written as part of a humor writing unit for the writing class I’m taking. Our assignment was to create and describe a superhero using sarcastic/ironic humor.