Tag Archives: satire

Prius Owner Purchases 23rd Bumper Sticker

oh_kale_yeah-2

-Somerville, MA

As soon as 38-year-old farmer’s market enthusiast Becky Newman laid eyes upon a clever kale-themed bumper sticker for sale at her favorite booth, she knew she had to purchase it. She simply couldn’t resist the sticker’s playful pun, “Oh, Kale Yeah!” and the clever way in which the letters were formed with kale leaves. But upon leaving the booth and heading back to the parking lot to pack the trunk of her 2007 Prius with the 5 bags of organic produce she had just purchased, she began to experience a bit of buyer’s remorse. “Well, I already have bumper stickers that say: ‘Eat More Kale’ and ‘Under The Influence of Kale,” but this one was just too punny to pass up (get it?) And besides, if there are two things you can never have enough of, it’s leafy greens and cute bumper stickers, right?” she said with a wink.

Then, as Newman began to search for an empty spot on the tail end of her hybrid hatchback to strategically place the sticker, she started to think that maybe you can indeed have enough bumper stickers. And at whopping total of 22, she had way more than enough. “I remember it all started with an Obama ’08 sticker, right on the lower left corner of the bumper, then an NPR one on the other side to balance it out, and I guess I kinda went a little crazy after that. Oh, well,” she said with a giggle.

Her colorful display of stickers ranges from the spiritual, “Coexist” and “Namaste,” to the feminist, “In Goddess We Trust,” to the occasional piece of cutesy humor, “Don’t Like My Cattitude? Call 1-800-Get-A-Dog.” And since finally giving up dairy products and eggs 6 months ago after many failed attempts, Newman has started to build upon the newest subsection of her sticker collection: veganism. “Yeah, I guess people already get the point that I’m a vegan and an animal rights advocate when they see my other kale stickers and my personal favorite that says ‘Eat Your Veggies, Not Your Friends,” but seriously, how badass would my little Prius look if it said ‘Oh, Kale Yeah!’?” Newman asked. “So to answer your question, am I really gonna put this bumper sticker on my car? Oh, kale yeah, I am!” she snickered, as she proceeded to stuff a handful of raw goji berries in her mouth.

After arriving home and stocking the fridge in her studio apartment with enough organic fruits and veggies to feed a family of five for two weeks, Newman was spotted trying to peel off her “Obama ’08” sticker. “I did seriously consider just slapping the new one somewhere near the gas tank, but I didn’t want to become one of those people who covers their entire car with stickers,” she said. “So to compromise, I decided that the old Obama one can go. I mean, I do have an Obama 2012, and I got a Hilary 2016 one as soon as they were released. So, out with the old, in with the new, I guess!”

Gentrifiers of the World…Unite and Take Over

unnamed

After receiving our respective master’s degrees in Holistic Psychology and Viticulture & Enology from Stanford University, my common-law wife Sage and I are looking to purchase our first luxury condo in an up-and-coming, revitalized urban neighborhood. So we crafted this carefully curated list of essential features to seek out in order to locate our dream locale.

1.) A Whole Foods with a wine shop; an organic, fair-trade, French press-only cafe; a sushi bar; a kale bar and, most importantly a juice bar within easy walking distance (But we’ll probably just drive there anyway. Who wants to schlep all those groceries the whole 0.2 miles home?)

2.) The condo must be in a converted historic building that’s also as “green”/eco-friendly as possible, because we’re looking to reduce our carbon footprint

3.) Easy access to the city’s bike share program as well as public transportation (see #2)

4.) 2 off-street parking spots large enough for our full-sized luxury SUVs

5.) The following types of fitness studios must be within a one mile radius of our condo:

*yoga

*pilates/TRX hybrid workouts

*yogalates (mommy and me yogalates classes would be a bonus)

*“Spin-sanity” Indoor Cycling/Extreme Interval Fitness

*Hot cardio barre bootcamp

*X-treme Crossfit

6.) A Main Street with at least six of the following businesses:

* an artisan cheese, olive, pickle, and himalayan crystal salts shop

* an organic/vegan/gluten free/non-GMO/paleo bakery

* a vegan, naturally-sweetened, make-your-own fro-yo bar

* a farm-to-table small plates French Fusion bistro whose dishes include nothing but meat, dairy and gluten

* a doggy and kitty massage and acupuncture parlor

* a massage/acunpuncture wellness center for people that specializes in baby massage, crystal therapy and shamanic healing

* a vintage-style barber shop that’s just for mustache grooming and waxing

* a fair trade-only cafe that roasts its own beans, specializes in vegan savory pastries and also sells a carefully curated selection of vinyl, vintage clothing items and locally handcrafted soaps

* a brew-your-own craft beer bar that hosts weekly local folk music performances, paint nights, poetry readings and literary salons

7.) A Target, Home Depot, Costco, and several other big box stores located just one town over because we need them for convenience’s sake, but we certainly don’t want them in OUR backyard

8.) A breast milk bank for those times that we’re just too busy or lazy to pump or actually feed our twins, Wyatt and Beckett

9.) A bilingual French-English co-op preschool for them to attend before we move to a suburb that has one of the top 3 school systems in the state

10.) A greenway with running trails, biking trails, and a state-of-the-art dog park that hosts several doggy play groups. Namely, one that’s exclusively for toy group purebreds like our precious little Maltese, Bentley. We really don’t want him associating with lesser breeds or (G-d forbid) mutts.

Fake Yoga Teacher Bios

I’m currently in the process of rewriting my bio, and I thought it would be funny to create some outlandish, fictional yoga teacher bios, based in part on what I’ve actually seen out there.

Jessica “Shakti” Steinberg

After dabbling for several months in transcendental tantric dance, neo-astrological shamanism, and hypno-waterbirth midwifery, Jessica finally discovered her true calling was sharing the sacred, transformative powers of vinyasa yoga (and subsequently, she legally changed her name to Shakti). She stumbled into a local studio as a college freshman to see if she could hang up a flyer for her animal rights club’s potluck vegan dinner on their community board, decided to stay for the lunch break power hour, and it was love at first down dog.

Two years and twelve teacher trainings later, she has developed and branded her own unique style of vinyasa called Rhythmic Soulful Spirit Flow, and she teaches ten classes a week in various makeshift practice spaces that she rents out of vegan restaurants, organic co-ops and new age bookstores. Shakti is eternally grateful for her daily five minute vipassana mediation, holotropic breathwork, and power yoga practice that she packs in somewhere between her full course load as a holistic psychology major, her part time job in the cheese department at Whole Foods (She just sells the cheese, you guys. She’s still a vegan!!), and her full schedule of yoga classes, as it allows her to maintain the serenity, bliss, and groundedness that’s so essential to spreading the many joys of this amazing practice to as wide an audience as possible.

Shakti has taught all yogis of all ages- from baby-and-me classes to grandma-and-me partner yoga workshops. She truly believes her fast-paced, high energy, dynamically challenging style of vinyasa yoga is accessible and adaptable for everyone.

She plans on traveling the world after she graduates college, recreating a vegan version of “Eat, Pray, Love” (okay, maybe she’ll SPLURGE and eat a dessert with honey. Sssh! Don’t tell 😉 ) which will include spending several months with her three gurus in various ashrams around India. And she hopes to share the many pearls of wisdom and insights gained from this journey with all you lovely yogis upon her return.

Om Shanti. May all beings be peaceful, happy, and free. And may we all be one with the universe and live in eternal abundance (for as long as we can afford our daily trips to Whole Foods)!

Jenna J. Johnson

Having been a competitive person throughout most of her high school and college years, especially during her tenure as captain of the Crew team at Harvard University (’06-’09), Jenna always tended to view yoga with a somewhat skeptical outlook. But when a fellow team member twisted her arm and dragged her to her first yoga class- a three hour “Ignite Your Inner Core Fire” workshop, taught in a blistering 100 degree room- she was hooked, right from the opening 5 minute forearm plank hold.

After emerging from the workshop, still dripping with sweat as well as with an otherworldly, euphoric bliss, Jenna immediately signed up for the studio’s accelerated 500-hour teacher training program. Within months she quit her job, began teaching full time, and has never looked back. She fell so deeply in love with the practice and the renewed sense of empowerment it gave her that she realized her true calling was to be a “yogtrepeneur,” a title she cleverly coined to describe her unique career as yoga teacher, life coach, nutrition consultant, brand ambassador, and owner of a successful chain of yoga studio/wellness spa/juice bars. (Special thanks to my father for funding all these projects. Where would I be without you, Daddy?)

An avid runner and cyclist, as well as a dedicated yogi, Jenna credits her daily three hour practice of sprinting meditations and hybrid spin/crossfit/yoga classes with keeping her sane, stress-free (and humble!) as she juggles the multiple balls that come with her multifaceted, fast-paced career. She prides herself on fostering a calm, supportive, noncompetitive environment in her classes, which will challenge you like no other. You’ll laugh, you’ll sweat, you’ll be inspired to achieve the seemingly impossible (case in point: we’re working on a new pose called eyelash stand this month- come try it!). And most importantly, you’ll cry. The Buddha might have said that suffering is optional, but didn’t someone great also say “No pain, no gain?” Jenna’s philosophy of the practice definitely leans toward the latter, but she embraces and welcomes all who can shell out the $29/class to her illustrious chain of studios, Inner Core Fire Power Yoga (www.icfpyoga.com)

In addition to being a five time Lululemon ambassador and a two time winner of New York Fitness and Wellness Magazine’s Best Yoga Instructor of NYC Award, Jenna’s other accomplishments include running the NYC marathon for the past eight years, and graduating in the top 10 percent of her MBA program at Columbia University. Always hungry for new challenges, she has most recently begun training for the 2016 Crossfit Games and an all new Ironman Triathlon that will take place in Siberia next winter.

Logan Lovejoy


“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

Logan builds his powerful, transformative classes from the very essence of this idea, and the wisdom he channels through his words will entice you to discover your own inherent spirituality within. His precise instruction is steeped in an ancient tradition that’s rooted in equal parts anatomical alignment and his own cutting-edge Divine Chakra PhilosophyTM which he is currently developing into both a lecture series and a 1,008 page book (a number that, while it may appear random, has quite a lineage of sacred meaning attached to it).

Logan is self-trained and taught himself everything he knows, as he firmly believes that “You are your own Guru.” And he is eager to show you how you, too, can become yours (under his careful guidance, of course).

As his student, you will experience a powerful rebirthing that comes from of the pure poetry of his words as he guides you through his masterful sequences of postures, allowing you to emerge from the chrysalis that is your yoga mat so that you can spread your wings and expand beyond any preconceived ideas of who you once were to take flight into the glorious new life that awaits you outside the walls of this studio.

So come, take class! Be transformed! Discover your pure potential! Live Long and Prosper! And be sure to pre-order Logan’s self-published life-changing new book, Reconnecting To Your Essence: A Sacred Journey Through Your Chakras.

The Amazing Vegan Crossfit Commander

One upping people in the health and fitness departments since, like, his first Instagram post 32 weeks ago.

veganthumb.php

Are you a lazy ass couch potato in dire need of being rescued from your lifestyle of sloth and gluttony? Does your diet include more steak and ale than quinoa and kale? Have you ever seen a ripped guy at the gym do a set of handstand pushups and thought, “whoa, that’s pretty fuckin’ sick, bro. I wish I could do that shit”? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, have no fear because The Amazing Vegan Crossfit Commander is here! He’ll tell you exactly what type of kale to put in your $600 high speed Vitamix blender in order to create the best organic, dairy free green smoothie that will give you maximum plant based power for some seriously badass lifting. Tired of your boring old workout routines? No problem, bruh, the VCC’s got tons of killer #WorkoutsOfTheDay that are sure to get you swole in no time, and he’s got them all mapped out for you on every social media platform known to man. Be sure to follow him on Tumblr for some sweet inspirational quotes, Instagram for some sick gym selfies and vegan food porn, and Spotify for some way amped up hardcore playlists that will totally get you right into #Beastmode. His constant stream of super positive posts and pics are totally inspiring the world to become fitter, healthier, and way more compassionate to all living beings, and you know you wanna join him in his mission. You might be able to only bench like 120 right now, but if you take his endless advice and drink from the well of his impressive 6 months of Crossfit membership and veganism, you’ll make some seriously killer gains while also being way kinder to your body and to animals (yeah, even to bees, cause remember: honey is a total vegan “don’t”). Someday you might even be able to bench 280 like him. So put that on your instagram page and hashtag it. And be sure to filter the shit out of it on X Pro-II, bruh, cause it’ll give your biceps mad definition…

*Written as part of a humor writing unit for the writing class I’m taking. Our assignment was to create and describe a superhero using sarcastic/ironic humor.