Tag Archives: veganism

Prius Owner Purchases 23rd Bumper Sticker

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-Somerville, MA

As soon as 38-year-old farmer’s market enthusiast Becky Newman laid eyes upon a clever kale-themed bumper sticker for sale at her favorite booth, she knew she had to purchase it. She simply couldn’t resist the sticker’s playful pun, “Oh, Kale Yeah!” and the clever way in which the letters were formed with kale leaves. But upon leaving the booth and heading back to the parking lot to pack the trunk of her 2007 Prius with the 5 bags of organic produce she had just purchased, she began to experience a bit of buyer’s remorse. “Well, I already have bumper stickers that say: ‘Eat More Kale’ and ‘Under The Influence of Kale,” but this one was just too punny to pass up (get it?) And besides, if there are two things you can never have enough of, it’s leafy greens and cute bumper stickers, right?” she said with a wink.

Then, as Newman began to search for an empty spot on the tail end of her hybrid hatchback to strategically place the sticker, she started to think that maybe you can indeed have enough bumper stickers. And at whopping total of 22, she had way more than enough. “I remember it all started with an Obama ’08 sticker, right on the lower left corner of the bumper, then an NPR one on the other side to balance it out, and I guess I kinda went a little crazy after that. Oh, well,” she said with a giggle.

Her colorful display of stickers ranges from the spiritual, “Coexist” and “Namaste,” to the feminist, “In Goddess We Trust,” to the occasional piece of cutesy humor, “Don’t Like My Cattitude? Call 1-800-Get-A-Dog.” And since finally giving up dairy products and eggs 6 months ago after many failed attempts, Newman has started to build upon the newest subsection of her sticker collection: veganism. “Yeah, I guess people already get the point that I’m a vegan and an animal rights advocate when they see my other kale stickers and my personal favorite that says ‘Eat Your Veggies, Not Your Friends,” but seriously, how badass would my little Prius look if it said ‘Oh, Kale Yeah!’?” Newman asked. “So to answer your question, am I really gonna put this bumper sticker on my car? Oh, kale yeah, I am!” she snickered, as she proceeded to stuff a handful of raw goji berries in her mouth.

After arriving home and stocking the fridge in her studio apartment with enough organic fruits and veggies to feed a family of five for two weeks, Newman was spotted trying to peel off her “Obama ’08” sticker. “I did seriously consider just slapping the new one somewhere near the gas tank, but I didn’t want to become one of those people who covers their entire car with stickers,” she said. “So to compromise, I decided that the old Obama one can go. I mean, I do have an Obama 2012, and I got a Hilary 2016 one as soon as they were released. So, out with the old, in with the new, I guess!”

The Amazing Vegan Crossfit Commander

One upping people in the health and fitness departments since, like, his first Instagram post 32 weeks ago.

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Are you a lazy ass couch potato in dire need of being rescued from your lifestyle of sloth and gluttony? Does your diet include more steak and ale than quinoa and kale? Have you ever seen a ripped guy at the gym do a set of handstand pushups and thought, “whoa, that’s pretty fuckin’ sick, bro. I wish I could do that shit”? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, have no fear because The Amazing Vegan Crossfit Commander is here! He’ll tell you exactly what type of kale to put in your $600 high speed Vitamix blender in order to create the best organic, dairy free green smoothie that will give you maximum plant based power for some seriously badass lifting. Tired of your boring old workout routines? No problem, bruh, the VCC’s got tons of killer #WorkoutsOfTheDay that are sure to get you swole in no time, and he’s got them all mapped out for you on every social media platform known to man. Be sure to follow him on Tumblr for some sweet inspirational quotes, Instagram for some sick gym selfies and vegan food porn, and Spotify for some way amped up hardcore playlists that will totally get you right into #Beastmode. His constant stream of super positive posts and pics are totally inspiring the world to become fitter, healthier, and way more compassionate to all living beings, and you know you wanna join him in his mission. You might be able to only bench like 120 right now, but if you take his endless advice and drink from the well of his impressive 6 months of Crossfit membership and veganism, you’ll make some seriously killer gains while also being way kinder to your body and to animals (yeah, even to bees, cause remember: honey is a total vegan “don’t”). Someday you might even be able to bench 280 like him. So put that on your instagram page and hashtag it. And be sure to filter the shit out of it on X Pro-II, bruh, cause it’ll give your biceps mad definition…

*Written as part of a humor writing unit for the writing class I’m taking. Our assignment was to create and describe a superhero using sarcastic/ironic humor.